BROWSER TURMOIL

Good grief.... decided to take a peep at the blog and have a little wander down memory lane...and it was gone..! Thought to find it maybe covered in fine dust and a cobweb or two - but in fact none of the other accounts were there either. And a blatant notice at the top informed me that my browser wasn't supported anymore. The cheek of it..!

Stupefying - all the old technology fear came rushing back... shiver..!
Sensations of 'they can't do this to me', stirred within the old Geri bosom and the urge to click buttons reawakened with a roar! (Bit like the old dinosaur in my 8th. Post. 'Holes and Dinosaurs'. Heh!).

Anyway, soon discovered that there are loads of browser update options and something called 'Windows Upgrade Advisor', that could advise me about upgrading from Windows XP to Windows 7. However, after being instructed halfway through the process to download something else (?) in order to allow WUA to complete downloading itself (????) it would seem that this old computer is not entirely compatible for the 'jump'!

What to do? Google Chrome kept popping up and insisting it would solve all my woes.....but.
I'm inclined to avoid 'pushy' things. So decided to investigate updating Internet Explorer. No good. It told me to find out how many 'bits' I'm using and how much RAM memory etc., but after searching through My Computer for this golden info', the IE website got deleted and I couldn't remember just how I'd found it in the first place.

Oh well, so in the end Google won. Though not the Chrome. Not entirely. I've now downloaded the Google Frame for I.E. whatever that is - but happily (!) can now access all the old accounts! And there was 'Ageing Ungracefully', resting quietly in a corner and asking: 'Crikey ducky, where on earth have you been these last two years!

I don't think I'm back for good - don't really feel I could give my best yet - but it was lovely to browse through all the old Posts and to re-read all the lovely comments from old blog friends.

So AU, I shall kiss you a fond farewell again for now - and get back to my 'crunches'. No, not 'crunchies' (!) have given up the old chocolate and cake and stuff and am now exercising and trying to get healthy. Have even joined a drawing/painting class to discover other skills and give the Geri hippocampus a boost. Not quite sure how that's going. I forget things.... dipped my paint brush in my coffee the other day - and when the teacher gets to me (she walks around behind us to observe progress and it gives me the shuddering heebiejeebies...ugh) she stops, goes all quiet - and sighs....
Huh!

O.K. good folk, that's it for now. Take care. Cheers!

THAT'S ALL FOLKS!

Time for AU to go into permanent hibernation.

Was poised to relate the latest holiday 'airport boarding-pass machine fiasco' - but suddenly realised that this latest technological battle story, is hardly any different to those of previous years - and in all probability (unless scientists can re-grow a new brain for me, from a bit of the old one) the world of technology, in all its wonderfulness, will continue to boggle old Geri forever and ever, ad infinitum....

And anyway, have been thinking deeply and seriously about this computer of mine. Don't really even want it anymore.

The 'search' bar is useful of course, for looking up new stuff - but I can't seem to get animated about anything at all lately. On the other hand, it is also useful for in-depth perusal of News items; but am finding the News more and more depressing and the World more and more unhappy and desperate - and I wish I had a magic wand... but, I haven't.

Going from 'online banking transactions', back to the paper/envelope 'rompslomp', will of course be odd at first; but the radical thought of throwing off as many technological chains as possible and roaming free, both literally and figuratively... is making the old Geri heart feel lighter than it has felt in years!

Visions of walking free through dense woods, filled with beautiful birds and large-eyed night animals; or pottering around cave ridden hills, discovering million year old relics; and dabbling tired feet in babbling streams and quiet woodland ponds; and living quietly with maybe a chicken or two in a little hut or one roomed cottage, tucked away somewhere off the beaten track....(sigh..).
Or maybe I'll just stay here in my little, noisy, smelly (petrol fumes in the kitchen seeping in from adjoining storage rooms of flat dwellers above me) town flat - and sort my head out (!)

So good-bye folks.
And many thanks to all those readers who have followed and hopefully enjoyed AU- and particularly to those who have regularly left comments. Your consistent good natured support has been greatly appreciated!!

Take care, one and all.
Geri Atric.
(AKA - Jean xxx).

FOOT ''PRINT'' FOR POSTERITY!

The Blog Dashboard informs me that a total of 82 (intermittent) posts have been published - since May 2008. (This will be 83.....).

And while I know that this is small stuff, compared to you true blogging veterans out there with your 100's - and even 1000's - of postings and millions of words (!) *applause and respect*... it is still a surprise to me to realise the extent of the Geri chuntering and mumbling, since those first tentative steps to set up AU and share a bit of the Geri Attric 'AT' (anti-technological) experience.

Of course not every posting has been about a fight with 'new technology' (... !). But the general theme of confusion with the challenges of everyday life, have been and will in all probability continue to be the connecting thread of AU, for as long as it lasts....

I would like to achieve the milestone of 100 postings. However, a member of my family recently asked me to 'print off' AU and make a 'family heirloom' (?) of it, for the amusement of future family generations...... And so, full of good intention, that is what I have been doing these past couple of days. Printing, printing and more printing and running out of ink and A4 paper and having to nip to the shops for more of both....

Was rather clever though (!) Had the ink cartridge refilled at one of those ink-filling places and saved myself quite a bit of cash. The only real fly in the ointment, was that the printer did not seem to recognise the refilled cartridge (?) and wouldn't stay turned 'on'.

A bit of thumping and repeated readjustment of ink cartridge and paper finally got it working though - and the whole blog is now filed neatly away for posterity in a very large plastic folder !!

Only 82 postings, including all comments..... but still quite an impressive manuscript! They say we all have at least one book inside of us. Perhaps this one is mine(?).

I am content. Hope the 'future family generations' enjoy it!!

And now onwards... *drum roll*... to Post number 84 !!!> > > > > >..........????????

SCREWED!

Oops! The tiny screw just fell out of the side-thingy >>

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so am having to balance them lopsidedly on my nose to read and type.

And - have also just discovered that unless you have a spare pair of specs stashed away, you can't possibly fix your broken ones!!! Unless of course you are good at doing things by touch....? But let me tell you, those screws are itsy-bitsy tiny and can hardly be seen even with the aid of glasses! And this one landed somewhere on the floor....................aargghh.!

Pity I threw that old magnet away.

GOLDEN TOUCH!

There is supposed to be a photo' here of a big pile of treasure - but it wouldn't upload or download or whatever it's supposed to do..... (oh well, back to the drawing board).


Anyway, as witnessed in the very first posting on AU, my horror and anxiety when faced with a vending machine is almost phobic(!). But I wouldn't mind having a go at this one!!

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/money/investment/article6521486.ece

MIND OVER MATTER!

Is it possible do you think, that computer screens can send out invisible, sinister rays, that surreptitiously drain a users memory?

Either that - because since becoming a computer user the old grey cells are definitely in rapid meltdown - or, I have finally become completely paranoid in imagining the computer is 'out to get me'!

This morning was the clincher. After signing in and finding everything gone - and I do mean everything - starting with the 'gorse bushes in Scotland' desktop background (unfathomably replaced with a blue background with Dell written through it) right down to all files in Documents; all contents of Outlook Express Mail; all contents of Favourites; etc., etc.. In fact, the whole computer looked like a freshly bought one, just waiting to be programmed with all my personal details!

Horrified (you know the sinking feeling in the stomach thing..) I clicked on 'browser choice' - a new icon on the desktop menu - that I vaguely remember presented itself a few days ago and refused to be clicked away - and then choosing Google Chrome, started all over again filling in account details etc.....sob!

Didn't understand a single thing I was being asked... (frustrated tears rolling down soggy cheeks - waaahh!) so returned to the strange Dell desktop picture, clicked on Start - and rebooted.

Wondrously - once everything had started up again the original desktop Scottish gorse picture was back (!) and all the old menu icons...... and lo and behold even O.E. mail was back with all files intact; and all files in Documents and Pictures (with priceless family photos) were present and correct......

The only thing is, I am now scared to turn the computer off, in case everything is gone again, either from my head, or the computer (or both) the next time I log in (?)
Is it my mind - or is it really the computer playing tricks....(ponder, mumble...)?

Know what - I think it's time for a spot of comfort food! Made a Shepherds Pie a few days ago and it's always much nicer the second time around, warmed up in the frying pan with all the ingredients mushing together in one big tasty mass - Yum!

Till later then everyone... It is not polite to type with your mouth full - and besides that, the computer might decide it wants a byte! Hee-hee, ha-ha (mad cackling)!!

FOUND!

AHA!!!!!!!!!!!! FOUND THEM!!!!!!! *Happy dance*

This is a follow up to the posting of yesterday and the mystery of the missing Bookmarks.

They were skulking in Notebook - which I never EVER use..? So goodness knows how they got there(?)

Had just re-googled the problem into the Search bar and one of the suggestions I happened across, was to click on Notebook. (Would never have thought of that by myself, in a thousand years. Didn't even know where it was).

Click, click click! Settings/Google Account Settings/Notebook - and lo and behold, there were all my missing URLs! (Come to Mamma!!!)

Still haven't found out where the Bookmark button is hiding itself (?) and it would be much handier to have it back on the Google Toolbar. But never mind, if it is still hidden away after a week, I will borrow my neighbour's (mannetje) 'man'.
This 'man' is another neighbour, whom the first neighbour knows (and I don't) and who being possessed of IT knowledge, will come over and tinker about with your computer and 'retrieve things', for a small honorarium. (I hope that means money!).

Bye for now. Have a nice computer day!

FIDGITY WIDGIT!

What an annoying nuisance (!*#@!!) Google can be - and that's putting it mildly.

It's swiped my 'bookmarks'!

The whole bookmark widget button was there in its entirety on Tuesday morning, which is the last time I logged on before today - and now it's not.

Gone. Stolen. Foetsie! (Slang dutch for.....gone, disappeared, vanished without trace).

So now what? Have been typing all bookmarked blog names and other regularly frequented sites, into the Search bar all morning - and it's been quite a task (bah!).

And so here we are, half a day further and after clicking everything in sight on screen (and off) trying to find and re-install that missing bookmark icon, all I have to show for it is a finger with a nervous tic, which will probably get me into a lot of trouble on public transport - but so far, no 'bookmark icon thingy'.

WAAHHH!

GOOGLE!! What are you doing to me??? Why are you doing it??? And where have you hidden my bookmarks???

ADDLED!

OH...!

So now the 'ads' that miraculously appeared under the posting entitled 'OW!' (when I pressed that seemingly innocuous new dashboard button) and which prompted a new posting - have now disappeared from beneath 'OW!'(?) and nestled themselves snugly beneath 'BUTTON IT!'...?
As I understood it (before pressing the button), new 'ads' would appear on the sidebar and beneath EACH new posting(?)

Which probably means that since I am now in the process of typing out a new posting entitled 'ADDLED!' the 'ads' are now in the process of slowly fading (like the Cheshire Cat's Smile - ref: Alice in Wonderland/Lewis Carroll) from beneath 'BUTTON IT!', to reappear underneath this one...?

*Sigh*...I am in Computer Technology awe. Computer technology is my God. I feel like feeding my computer a carrot.
(I.E., ref. to The Coming Plague/Laurie Garrett - and an incident in which a Brazilian tribe, on seeing their first ever aeroplane (bringing medical Scientists) thought it was a mighty 'God' Bird and rushed out from the surrounding jungle to feed it roots - and don't say you (and me )would not have done the same in their place - because I am betting we would have - for sure! ).

Wait though, I have just had a thought (!) (*rusty grinding noise*)... Since 'ADDLED!' will be posted on the same day as 'BUTTON IT!' the ads will 'think' it's all one-and-the-same - and not move upwards (seems logical), if you get my drift?

Wonder if I am right.....? (finger now moving towards 'publish post')..... bated breath...


(*Groan*.... There must be a better way to spend a cold, wet, slushy Sunday?).


P.S.
HMMPH!! This is an 'edit'. I wasn't right...

BUTTON IT!

Oo goody, what's this? A new blog button ...*press*...... What on earth....?

Hmm.... now that's in-ter-es-ting....

Have just found this (probably not) new (but have only just noticed it, duh) monetize button on the blog Dashboard - and not being able to resist pressing a button....

A host of ads have just appeared under my last posting (???)

Technology at its most instantaneous and wonderously confusing (to me).

Oh crikey - supposing I want to remove them? Where's the button for that?
(More searching)

Not found yet.... Okay, keep searching...
(Preparation: Count down from 100 (brain exercise). Fresh pot of tea and chocolate bar (brain food) broken into manageable pieces and placed within reaching distance; investigative (button pressing - what else did you think?!) finger, at the ready...).

Can't wait to see what ads appear under this post!!! Heh heh.

LEAVING THE PAST BEHIND

Whilst away in the U.K. recently, helping empty and clean out the old family 'ghost' house, I came across this remarkable example of ancient toy technology - my old 24 inch, plaster walking doll! Very modern for her time; her legs jerking stiffly into place with just the faintest of clicks, as I moved her forwards. Left, right.. left, right... and away we would go. Jerky dolly and little 5 - 6 year old girl, her long plaits swinging...

I don't remember how many wigs she had - I practiced my hairdressing skills on her with fierce enthusiasm - or how many sets of open/close eyes and new pairs of pink, plastic strap over shoes; all bought from the 'Doll's Hospital' in town.... a grand title for a tiny, poky, rather scary (with hundreds of staring eyes and other dolly spare parts hanging on the walls!) little shop in a side street.

Sadly, although I don't really know why I say that - she was after all just a doll, she was in pieces when I found her. Wrapped in a plastic bag on top of a very dusty wardrobe, chipped nose and fingers, devoid of hair and sight, her legs and arms arranged loosely around her - the elastics inside having corroded long ago......

She was never my favourite doll - and to be truthful, I have even forgotten what I called her.

Nameless and broken. I threw her in the bin. She was just a doll..... a piece of childhood long gone and for many reasons, best forgotten...

Back to the present and onwards to the future and the living! Give love to the living.

A new era.

New inward peace.

TECHNO TURMOIL

Hmm... just logged on to read world news - and found 'Windows Defender' industriously downloading 0% of downloads and refusing to allow me to me click it away - as I usually do - to let it get on with its business in private. Have had to sit through umpteen cups of coffee just staring at those little 'yellow shield' and 'fortress' icons, until WD stopped doing what it was not doing and was ready to let me do what I wanted to do!

That's odd..... we now have noise - an insistent beeping, followed by a 'clip-clop, clip-clop'...
There it is again - 'clip-clop, clip-clop'.
Don't think I'm feverish... and haven't overdosed on meds (only coffee). So what can be going on..?

The only explanation I can think of, is that 'Trojan Equine' is loose(!). Now that would be bad! Quarantined that little b***er eons ago. How did he get out?

Perhaps the free Anti-Virus I downloaded almost one year ago (after a mighty fight to dislodge a particularly stubborn paid version of another brand) is losing its grip? Or this might be its unsubtle way of telling me 'one year free is enough already(!)' and to upgrade to one of its paid versions? *Sigh....* why do good things have to end?

There's that beeping noise again....twitch..(me, not the computer).

Oh good grief.... a window is now opening and telling me I haven't done a scan in two days.
DON'T HAVE TO - IT'S SET TO AUTOMATIC, SAME TIME EVERY DAY!!!!! GRRR!

Right, that's it. I'm off to watch the news on telly.
Assuming of course they haven't wiped the last decent news channel off in the night. Haven't got round to buying digital yet and my T.V. provider has cut most of the interesting channels out of 'analogue' or 'standard' or whatever it is that I've got.

Still, I know progress is unavoidable and we have to go with the times. So in just two minutes time, Geri will be progressing to the settee with the coffee pot and two slices of marmite on toast!

Now where did I put that remote........

CAMERA TRICKS

There should be a breathtaking, winter wonderland photograph of my latest walk in the park, set right here, in the middle of this page…. however, there obviously isn’t… mutter.

Instead, my recently acquired, first ever digital camera, kindly given to me by my son-in-law, is informing me that it is full to bursting (with Christmas pics) which means that all the lovely New Years photo’s I took, depicting silver white Jack Frosted trees; dogs rolling delightedly on icy white grass; people clutching for dear life onto lampposts and ducks slipping and sliding comically on frozen ponds, were not recorded at all!

Technology is still taunting me…

Ah… there appears to be a drawing of a dustbin, situated bottom left on the camera screen. So I’m assuming that’s where the ‘old’ photographs of feasting family members must be thrown…Have fortunately recently mastered camera to computer downloading or uploading (?) so Christmas 2008 is preserved for posterity – but had not realized you also have to remove the pictures from the camera afterwards, to stop it getting ‘full’. Well, well. I thought they just sort of ‘dissipated’ into some eternal memory bank, or something… but apparently not.

Right…so how to proceed? Geri’s usual m.o. when faced with a new technological challenge is to ignore the incomprehensible, geek talk ‘instructions’ and press every button in sight. And when that doesn’t work, mutter unutterable words and weep with frustration!

However this year, things will be different. Think first and then act is my new resolution. So have laid the camera carefully down, put the kettle on for a nice hot cuppa and am about to rummage for brain food: - i.e., chocolate (!).

Hey-ho, off we go then… slurp, chomp, press, click… this should only take me about a week to learn. And then of course I shall have to go and take more photographs - but by the look of it the frost will still be here! Brrr...!

Wrap up warm everyone! Unless of course you live in a hot climate, then that would be just plain daft....

DOCTOR WHO, WHAT, WHERE?

What is going on across the road I wonder…?

Awoken abruptly from restless slumber at 7.30 a.m., to the jarring thunder of heavy trucks beeping backwards and forwards just meters from my windows – and then just as suddenly they were gone again - and there it is.
What is it?

But as the sky lightens, all is revealed. It is the Time Lord himself, in his flying loo! Quite obviously the Tardis is in for a refit - and this is the good Doctor’s brilliant compromise: A pre Christmas Day shopping visit to The Netherlands, in a flying Water Closet (in ‘loo’ of his planned appearance on British Christmas Day prime time telly! Ha ha)!
Makes sense to moi. But then, I’m on strong medication.

On second thoughts, that heap of dirt just visible next to the object, could well be the first tentative step by Dutch authorities to construct The Neth’s first mountain… Wow!
Dykes we have - ahem, in all shapes and sizes – but no mountains – and this W.C. cubicle is intended to accommodate the floods of tourists, shortly to ascend and plant flags on this newest world wonder!

Oh Glory. I could open a snack bar hatch in my panoramic window – and become famous for green sludge lentil Omega Brain Revitalizing soup! There’s still a batch in the freezer, left over from July: (Ref. posting July 1, 2008. 'Omega Oh My!').

However – and more sobering - the sudden appearance of an army of workmen armed with spades and fluorescent orange coats, also suggests that the local ‘Bods That Be’, have finally decided to landscape the large muddy area between two recently renovated blocks of flats.
A week before Christmas? Ach! (Derisive dutch throat clearing sound).

Think I’ll crawl back into bed. You never know, the camera might have lied (still learning how to upload it) and this might just be another drug induced dream, from which I’ll awaken in an hour or two to the aroma of scrambled eggs, toast and coffee, prepared by Russell Crowe (or Johnny Depp), in a plastic pinny!

CRANKY GRANNY

Phew..! That was scary – just met myself coming back on the train! Must have been me. I have been dashing and sleep walking hither and thither for the last few weeks (since returning from my Scottish holiday) lending a helping hand in a family (sickness) crisis. Have been returning home every 5 days or so, to check my mail and get a bit of sleep..zz.. before rushing off again.

As I mentioned to Steph of ‘the biopsy report’, who recently enquired as to ‘wherefore art I was’ (!) my main task has involved the night-shifts, caring for two little grandsons...YAWN.. and it seems that as soon as I have fed and changed the baby, rubbed Vick on his chest, sprayed salt solution up his tiny nostrils and settled the little chap down (for the umpteenth time between midnight and dawn) the 3 year old gets up needing a drink of water, a pee, a cuddle and a bit of a chat..(SCREAM!). Ah, I don't mean that. I could eat them up with a spoon really.

Seriously though, I have plumbed depths of energy and patience unplumbed for almost 40 years (since my youngest was a babe) and have battled the complexity of applying expensive, modern day elasticated paper nappies, to a tiny wriggling bottom - and having the fastening tags keep tearing off (!) Whatever was wrong with good old Terry towelling nappies(?)…. apart from having to dunk them in a bucket of cold water first, to rinse off that gooey, smelly, yellowy stuff and then having to boil, dry and air them…. Hmm. On second thoughts, I’ll master those tags!

And what about those modern day boxes of baby milk, designed to reduce Houdini to tears of frustration?! Apparently all you need to have, to open the lid, is strength, patience and double jointed index fingers and thumbs, pressing hard in sync’ at the back and front of the lid… and voila! Or in my case ‘#!!*?! It wont open’ (scream!) and reach for a knife….

But worst of all (and the stuff of which my granny nightmares are made) are those finger fumbling, technological baby appliances; such as child car seats; maxi-cosies; adjustable high-chairs; and folding pushchairs and prams - and all of them bristling with immovable levers, knobs and complicated strap fasteners, requiring the same kind of synchronized pressing, as the milk container. Only this time it is the sides of the clasp you have to press to release the fastening straps… grr.. And if you press one side out of sync’ with the other, the whole appliance gets stuck and won’t open (!) and the poor screaming baby is doomed to spend the rest of his/her days trapped in some unrelenting, brightly painted, musical, nursery rhyme singing appliance…sigh. Whatever happened to plain old buckles? How did (we) older generations manage without all this stuff?

Oh Lor’, as I said to Steph on ‘Highland Fling’ comments, I sound a right 'Moaning Minnie' now, don’t I, and I really don’t mean to be - but really, these last few (testing) weeks have set me thinking and I do wonder about the sanity of women in their sixties going off to that Italian fertility specialist for IVF...!!

Still, on the brighter side, all this baby-sitting activity has melted 5 kilos off my middle and I can actually zip and button my jeans again, without having to lay flat on the bed or floor, yippee!

Will be returning to my little charges tomorrow - but OOOOHHHH how blissfully I shall SLEEP in my own bed tonight!

CHIP AHOY!

Wealthy Mexicans who are terrified of being kidnapped, are having themselves implanted with GPS chips…

Well I think it is a brilliant idea! We should all do it. After all, we get it done to our pets, so why not to ourselves? Not that most of us will ever get kidnapped – but there are other dangers, like walking under a ladder and getting a bucket on your head and forgetting who you are… Or getting shipwrecked and stranded on a desert island – and then just think how comforting it would be to know that whilst desperately stabbing at fish in a rock pool - with that pointy bit on your belt buckle - you are merrily ‘blipping’ away to some overhead satellite and will soon be found! (Hopefully not by pirates…)

The obvious problem though is where to go to get chipped? As far as I know, doctors in the Netherlands do not (yet) chip people. Euthanasia yes – but no chipping. So that would mean nipping off to Mexico and that’s too far – so off to the vet's it is then!

Hang on though… in which part of the anatomy would this chip be inserted…? The back of animals’ necks may be suitable for them but there is no extra skin to get hold of on mine. The upper thigh strikes me as a suitable place; however, these chip thingies are not magnetic are they? That would make no sense at all but you never know, technology can be tricky - and I would rather not find out when it is too late and I am 'stuck' to some doddery old chipped chap on the tram (‘chipped chap on the tram'… crikey, don’t say that fast with a mouth full of biscuit! Hang on, while I wipe the screen...).

Wait a minute though, I am not above a bit of doddering myself, so if this fellow and I were stuck on each other through no fault of our own (heh-heh) we could dodder off together and have a bit of fun - and when we were tired of each other (or just tired) we could sit down and ‘blip’ - and wait for our (worried) kids to drive out and find us and take us home!
(Just when did I get so decadent and daft...?)

Anyway, here it is: Wealthy Mexicans getting chipped.

TURNCOAT ANTI-VIRUS

The Anti-Virus program on this computer is behaving more like the viruses it is supposed to be protecting me from! Not content with suddenly flashing red warnings every time I try downloading a new website - and then 'stopping the computer till I solve the problem' - it is now chucking me off the web each time I try downloading anything from the ‘favourites’ folder!

The last (and third) time I logged on today, before being unceremoniously turfed out again, I found two thirds of the ‘favourites’ contents removed and a message telling me that if I wish to alter this state of affairs, I should go to ‘Internet Options’…. Not only that but that crazy, mad Anti-Virus is whisking every bit of mail into the spam folder – including the invoice from my Internet Provider and the latest online photos of the Grandkids… grrr..
I can forgive it chucking invoices in the bin - but don’t mess wiv de family!

I appear to have a Trojan horse virus in quarantine but that has always been there (like a stray animal that wanders in and stays) and is low risk – so why is Anti-Virus behaving like this…?
Hmm… I see that the AV subscription is due for renewal next month, so perhaps this is its unsubtle way of reminding me? If so, it is biting its viral nose off to spite it’s invisible face, because all this annoying behaviour is doing, is tempting me to buy a completely new Anti-Virus system altogether. DID YOU HEAR THAT YOU MANIPULATIVE GREMLIN??

On the other hand, I did manage (when Anti-Virus was busy attacking something else in ‘Settings and Network Connections’ and not watching me) to secretly download info’ and read up on how difficult and messy it will be to attempt to remove the thing; entailing all kinds of ‘clean up wizard’ downloads, as well as a Masters in computer programming - because it would appear that AV has wormed its insidious way into every nook and cranny of my comp’ and taken it thoroughly hostage.

Ok, Ok, I give in! I promise to renew you! Are you reading this Most Superiour Anti-Viral being?? Will you now please let me remove myself safely from ‘Word’ and log back onto the Internet long enough to sign into my blog and post this? NO? All right then…grr…I admit it, you are cleverer than me; I am a mere mortal; a nothing; you are the brain…. I grovel before you….
Sob! Please let me back in – and stop chucking me off every time I click on ‘favourites’!! I promise to have no more favourites. You will be my only one. My favourite (choke) Anti-Virus program…forever....

NOW LET ME BACK IN YOU....THING!!!

SHOP AND DROP!

The fully automated self-service supermarket has arrived! This remarkable new technology requires shoppers to scan the bar code on each item, before placing it onto an electronic surface, which then transports the item at high speed through strips of rubber curtain down a very long conveyor belt. Payment is made by PIN card at the beginning of the conveyor belt, in an adapted machine that also delivers a bar coded receipt. You are then free to hurry after your purchases and bag everything up in the five seconds before the next customer’s items start arriving and getting mixed up with your own! Once you are done, you can let yourself – sweating and panting - out of the area, by holding your receipt up to yet another scanner next to an electronic gate.

Long before that stage though, your blood pressure has reached danger level, because once you have scanned an item and it has gone through the rubber curtain, you can only see it if you stop what you are doing and peer around a large metal hood. The same goes for the customer facing you, on the other side of ‘your’ scanner. Both yours and their items are separated on the communal conveyor belt by a ten centimeter high divider and it is just not high enough! By the time all the items have piled up at the end of the conveyor belt, they are spilling over into each other’s side.

You and your ‘opponent’ inevitably end up in a feverish race to finish and get to the end of the conveyor belt first - but if you fumble an item, a beeper and flashing light goes off on the scanner, which means having to wait for an assistant to come and fiddle about with a key and reset it! Grrr… This only happens to you of course, never the other person (!) which means that they are out of sight and bagging their groceries before you are finished - leaving you frantically hoping they don’t pack up any of your stuff along with their own!

This happened to me only once. A packet of teabags I had scanned and paid for was gone from the end of the conveyor belt when I got there and nobody pinches my tea! I complained to the manager and I probably wasn’t the only one, because since then there have been two frazzled assistants on duty at the end of five double conveyor belts, rushing frantically backwards and forwards trying to separate and stack each customer’s purchases as they arrive.

Of course with two stackers replacing ten cashiers the supermarket is making a saving, which might help keep prices down a bit. So why am I secretly glad that the three other supermarkets in the area are still using ‘old fashioned’ cash registers? Well, shuffling along in a queue is much better for the old blood pressure and I don’t get that awful knot in the pit of my stomach. There is also the chance of a bit of conversation with other customers, whereas the only person who ever talks to me in the self-service supermarket is me (!) cursing under my breath from the moment I set foot in the place, till the moment I get to the electronic exit gate - and find I’ve packed my bar coded receipt at the bottom of the shopping bag!.... Howl!!

A MOTH THAT MATTERS

Insects are not a life force I usually think much about, except when swatting a pesky fly or trying to eradicate a plague of ants from the larder. But since last night, after transferring a particularly large moth from the kitchen ceiling into a glass and releasing it into the night, I have been thinking about some particular kinds of insects a lot - and wondering where on earth they are…!

It has suddenly dawned on me that I have not seen a wasp for at least eight years. There was a time that it was impossible to sit in the garden or on a restaurant terrace during summertime, without being besieged by aggressive, black and yellow would-be assassins. So where are they now? Is it just my own city corner of the planet that they (seem to) have disappeared from? Not that I miss them (!) having been chased and painfully stung by them on a number of occasions – but where are they all?

Come to think of it, I have not seen a sparrow for years either. I can remember a time when flocks of sparrows would swoop down into my garden in Amsterdam at least twice a day during the 1990s. Then almost overnight or so it seemed, they stopped coming and were replaced by blackbirds and magpies. I have recently moved to another major city but it is the same story here too.

Did/do sparrows eat wasps? Has the disappearance of one caused the disappearance of the other? And what about bees? I know that the world is mystified by the disappearance of whole hives of bees and that this phenomenon presents a potentially catastrophic problem for agriculture: i.e., no bees, no pollination. Bats too, seem to be disappearing in their millions… Perhaps all the communication satellites circling our globe are disrupting bats’ sonar (?) It is all very strange…

As ‘my’ moth flew away last night, I watched her go and worried. A quadrangle of newly renovated flats across the way lit up the surrounding area with dozens of gallery lights - and to a little disorientated moth it must have looked like the moon. Shivering, even though the night was warm, I hoped fervently that she would turn and fly the other way, towards the darkened park, with its many bushes and trees and sleeping flowers…. I hoped she would hear the call of her own kind and meet a friend and thoroughly enjoy her short life!

I have never hoped for anything for a moth before, except perhaps (for both of us) that it not fly into my hair (!) but as I sit and gaze out of my window today, onto a predominance of concrete technology and bustling humanity – the survival and happiness of that one small lost moth, suddenly seems like one of the most important things in the world.

STRICTLY FOR THE BIRDS?

Birds of a feather are all of a dither! A recent television program revealed a male osprey flying back to the nest with his prey and proceeding to tear strips of it and feed them to his young. So what’s wrong with that? Well, that’s what I thought but the commentator almost fell out of his tree! This is obviously big news. Evolution gone haywire.

Apparently male ospreys just don’t do that sort of thing. His job is strictly to bring back the prey, dump it, screech at the wife how wonderful he is - and then fly off and hunt for more.
In her turn, Mrs. O. will screech back at him that he’s nothing special, fluff herself up a bit and proceed to stuff bits of fish down her children’s monstrous throats. And now here she is, this poor creature, all ruffled and perplexed and out of a job! Cast aside like last year’s feather duster.

I strongly suspect the hand of human technology - as in the human birth control pill - in this evolutionary quandary. In my opinion ‘the pill’ has finally polluted the ground water to the extent that the evolutionary perfected Mr. Osprey, has been tipped over the edge into his feminine side!

This is just the beginning. Mark my words. I would not be at all surprised if one day all male birds are behaving like Mr. O. - and from there, it is just a short evolutionary step to male birds with moobs*.

In fact that future scenario might not even be ‘strictly for the birds’. As ground water everywhere becomes even more contaminated with estrogen, it might be that eventually all species will become androgynous …? Caw! (I mean Cor!) The mind boggles....

Think I’ll leave further discussion on that topic to the experts.
I’m off to feed the ducks.... and drakes.

* male boobs.